festive rainbow mirror summoning!

[incanted]

There are now one dozen Bells.

They and most of their friends are all here on Planet Rainbowsand II, to celebrate the addition of Sarion, the elf one, and Aurora, the one with a sister.

Comments

[edgeofyourseat]

[I still love you,] he says. [I still would love you, if I stopped being a vampire. I just - wouldn't - be forced to.]

It is an interesting fact of Aurum vampire physiology that they do not cry.

[self_composed]

Stella is silent.

[edgeofyourseat]

He hugs her.

[C'mon, I know you're thinking something in there, it's not like you ever stop,] he says gently.

[self_composed]

[Today of all days I am doubly glad that you cannot read my mind,] Stella murmurs. [Everything I'm thinking makes me feel like a terrible person and I am glad I can be a terrible person in private so it wouldn't hurt to look at myself more than it does.]

[edgeofyourseat]

[I don't think you're a terrible person,] says Alice. [I love you. And I don't want you to hurt yourself, but - I want to know.]

[self_composed]

Stella swallows.

[I love you too,] she says first, because that's easy and definite.

And:

[Everything I can think of to say sounds defensive like I'm trying to have a fight and I don't want to have a fight.]

[edgeofyourseat]

[Okay,] he says. [So now I know you don't want to have a fight.]

[self_composed]

[Okay, um. I am pretty good at having many reasons for doing things. And things that aren't exactly reasons but are positive features of the decision, or negative features of the alternatives, that I note. If the only facts of the situation had been that you would like turning into a vampire and I could be sure that you weren't going to wind up mated to anyone who wasn't me, then that would've, honestly, I swear, sufficed to induce me to turn you, if it had occurred to me. But yes, the reason the thought entered my head was because I wanted to be surer than I was that I could trust you, and that wasn't even all for personal relationship reasons even though that was there what with all the conversations we kept having about how you couldn't be sure you weren't going to fall for someone else as hard and suddenly as you did for me. We had only recently met the Joker and I did not get along with him and I didn't have Mary repeatedly explaining to me about how harmless Jokers with coins are or nearly a dozen other examples of the template telling me how harmless Jokers with Bells are. All I had to go on was you and him and the idea of you turning into what I knew of him made me sick and Golden was so completely secure. She knows like she knows arithmetic that she has Edward forever and always so long as they both shall live. His actual personality might not be my cup of tea, but you, you I love, and all I knew was that I had you as long as your brain didn't do anything else sudden and unexpected like it had already been shown to do. When you fell for me. Or anything unpleasant. When the Joker - existed.]

[edgeofyourseat]

[That is kind of fucked up,] he sighs, hugging her gently.

[self_composed]

[Yes. You asked.]

[edgeofyourseat]

[Yeah, 'cause I wanted to know. And now I do. And it's kind of fucked up,] he says.

[self_composed]

[Yep.]

[edgeofyourseat]

He cuddles her some more.

[self_composed]

Stella clings.

[edgeofyourseat]

Alice hugs her and pets her hair.

He loves her, too, but he's not sure that helps right now.

[self_composed]

It's better than the alternative. She keeps up a shallow read, looking for anything else to grab hold of.

[edgeofyourseat]

He doesn't like feeling like Stella wants fucked up things, but the fact remains, those were some pretty fucked up reasons for wanting to turn him. And he's glad he knows what they are, now, and glad she's not trying to tell him they're not fucked up, but it still doesn't feel resolved. He doesn't really know what he wants. Maybe he wants Stella not to want fucked up things, but she's still Stella and he still loves her, fucked up things and all. He doesn't want to change who she is to make himself feel better; that seems like a bad, and also terribly ironic, solution.

[self_composed]

[I would offer to turn into a vampire too but I don't think you want me to become more monogamously inclined than I currently am.]

[edgeofyourseat]

[I really don't!] he says. [That would be worse.] He sighs again; hugs her some more. [I think I'm gonna stop being a vampire. It doesn't feel right anymore.]

[self_composed]

Stella swallows.

[Okay.]

[edgeofyourseat]

[Are you having feelings again?] he asks, snuggling her.

[self_composed]

[Constantly.]

[edgeofyourseat]

[I love you. I want to know about your feelings. Even if they're sad feelings that are going to make me sad.]

[self_composed]

[Mostly variations on the theme that you've already heard. I am not as sure as you are that you will still love me. If I were we wouldn't have this problem in the first place.]

[edgeofyourseat]

[Then I'd better stop being a vampire,] says Alice, ['cause then you'll know.]